The hardest letter one Airman ever wrote

  • Published
  • By Master Sgt. Matthew McGovern
  • Pacific Air Forces Public Affairs
JOINT BASE PEARLHARBOR-HICKAM, Hawaii --  "I don't even know how to begin this letter, or how to begin to explain why I did this," one Airman wrote. "But I have to try."

It was the hardest letter this young officer would ever write.

He placed the letter neatly on his computer keyboard so his family would get it.

It was 1999 and this young man appeared to have everything going for him: a wife, Linda, two handsome teenage sons whom he adored, J.R. and Ryan, and a
promising Air Force career for this prior-enlisted officer.

On the surface, things appeared to be going well; however, pressure was mounting that no one could see.

"There are a million reasons [why] I reached this point," he struggled to write. "Some you may understand now, and some you may never understand."

With overwhelming pressure at work, unresolved marital issues, separation from his family and agonizing feelings of extreme hopelessness, on March 11, 1999, Capt. Robert Swanson, decided to end his life.

"Linda, I know you will never forgive me for this," he continued to write. "I am sorry, but I have no hope left. Ryan and J.R., please don't make the mistakes I have made in my life. I am sorry for what I have done."

Resolute in his decision to end the pain, he went into his garage, started his truck's engine, and washed down nearly 50 anti-depressant pills with whiskey. He climbed into the bed of his idling truck and went to sleep hoping to never wake again.

But he did wake up.

"I woke up 12 hours later," said Swanson recently. "The truck was still running and though I was groggy, I was coherent enough to go into the house and call my office to let them know that I was going to be late."

His co-workers thought it was odd he didn't show up for work, and after failed attempts to reach him by phone, they could tell there was something wrong when they finally received his call at noon.

"Based on the sound of his voice and his slurred speech, I knew it was urgent that I get to his apartment," said his then supervisor, Mr. Robert Williams, a major at the time, who grabbed his own supervisor and went to the house. "When we arrived, it was clear he needed assistance, but it wasn't clear why. We immediately took him to the base hospital where he was treated and kept for observation."

Still shaken and confused following this, his second attempt to end his life, by overdosing on medication, Swanson pondered how he had failed again.

Fifteen years later Swanson, now a Colonel and the Pacific Air Forces Chief of Weather Operations, knows suicide wasn't the right answer to his problems.

He found not only the hope he craved but also life-renewing reasons to keep on living.

"If I could tell this young captain anything, I'd tell him to hang on; the future gets better," he explained. "I'd tell him he'd miss the opportunity to see his boys grow into young men, and that he'd miss the opportunity to see the pain and agony subside and the chance to see the sun shine again."

His path to healing was not easy. He met with a psychiatrist almost daily for six months for intense therapy sessions designed to put him back on the path to a healthy state of being.

"I read your file; you're really good at telling us everything we want to hear," his psychiatrist told him. "I've seen your IQ and you're smarter than I am. Nothing I'm going to do, or say, is going to get through to you, until you are willing to take a chance, and let me try to help you."
Only when he was ready to accept his psychiatrist's advice, did he start to heal--and the healing came almost immediately.

"We got rid of the anti-depressants," Swanson said. "I hated them, and they really interfered with me making real progress."

His psychiatrist taught him how to look at the world realistically; how to examine different events in his life, sort through his reactions to these events and figure out what is normal behavior and what emotions are distorted.

"People who are depressed have a distorted view of the world," Swanson explained. "For example, if a depressed person breaks a glass, they feel terrible, like an utter failure as if nothing is ever going to work again properly."

Since 1999, Swanson learned how to face life's challenges head on and understands that negative feelings like anger, depression, and guilt doesn't result from bad things that happen to him, but from the way he thinks about them.

He learned to make healthy changes on his road to happiness and has accomplished many of his life-long goals including: earning his Ph.D., completing more than 20 marathons, re-marrying, witnessing his sons graduate from college, and achieving the rank of colonel.

"I'm at the happiest point in my life now and I want to show others that they also can make it through and be happy again," he said.

Swanson went from writing the hardest letter of his life as a captain, to making one of the hardest decisions of his life as a colonel - to go public with his suicide attempts, in hope of possibly reaching someone struggling with overwhelming emotional pain.

"I've been thinking about coming forward for quite some time," Swanson said. "I can't help but feel that one of the reasons I'm here, and why I survived two serious suicide attempts, is to make a difference in someone else's life."

With the uncertainty sequestration has on the Air Force and the on-going force-shaping decisions affecting every Airman, he thought this was a critical time to come forward.

In 2009, a fellow weather officer was notified during a deployment that he had not been retained following an Air Force reduction in force (RIF) board. Three weeks after returning home, he committed suicide.

"It was devastating to lose a fellow Airman, but I understood his pain and I understood, in some ways, what led him to make the decision to end his life, even though it is one I wish he had decided differently on," Swanson explained.

"I know our Airmen are worried about what will happen next with their career, will they survive force shaping, and if not how it will it affect them and their loved ones," Swanson said. "It is to be expected that Airmen may be a little anxious, depressed, sad and overwhelmed with emotion and not know exactly how to handle it. Some may even reach the point that I reached on March 11, 1999, when I tried to take my own life -- this is why I have decided to come forward."

Lt. Col. Andrew Cruz, PACAF Chief of Mental Health Services, is hopeful that more Airmen will get assistance when needed.

"It's important to understand that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness, but a sign of courage and strength," said Cruz. "The Air Force is doing its best to change the stigma of mental health, primarily through our communication efforts and how it's characterized. The Mental Health Clinic is just one resource. People can access Military Family Life Consultants, Military OneSource, chaplains, behavioral health providers in patient centered clinics, and many other national and local resources."

Swanson encourages all Airmen to remember to keep wingman communication lines open and to take the opportunity to seek help from chaplains, mental health, and other trained therapists, if needed--for yourself or others.

"The right mechanism to receive help is different for everybody. It's finding that right person and getting to the point where you accept there may be an alternative future," he explained. "Not every psychiatrist, psychologist, or chaplain is going to be the right person for that. You've got to connect with your therapist, and sometimes it may take similar backgrounds or personalities to make this happen."

Suicide is a decision that can't be undone and Col. Swanson is proof that those feelings of depression and hopelessness can be overcome with the right help--life does get better.

"What I know for sure is that suicide is a permanent fix to short-term problems," Swanson said. "But I can promise you, that if you work hard at changing how you view the challenges we all face in life, you can get through anything-and I mean anything. So I encourage everyone who is a part of our Air Force family to seek the help they need to get them back on the road to a healthier outlook on life."

For more information about suicide awareness and prevention, visit: http://www.afms.af.mil/suicideprevention/.